Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Open letter to guy yelling "Freebird!" at concerts

Dear guy yelling "Freebird" at concerts:

Stop. Please, for the love of God, stop. Its just not funny. It may have been funny 20 years ago, but at some point in the 90's, it went from funny to hit me in the forehead with a tire iron not funny.

Its not making a comeback. Its not "clever" to yell it. The only people laughing are on dangerous combinations of speed and Jack Daniels. The rest of us want you to get run over by the tour bus after the concert/club/bar mitzvah.

Don't take this the wrong way. I know you mean well. You feel you are part of the show and you've heard other people yell it before. If it was funny for them, why can't it be funny for you?

Because it can't be. Its over. Lynyrd Skynyrd doesn't want to hear you yell "Freebird!" anymore. Your drunk cousin/neighbor/pastor doesn't want to hear you yell "Freebird!" anymore. The guy wearing the "Frankie says Relax" t-shirt thinks its over.

I don't even think you really want to hear "Freebird". You may not even know the song. It's like 27 minutes long. You just like to be the guy yelling "Freebird!". Its understandable, if a little pathetic. Here's the problem..your need to be a part of the show is intruding on the rest of our rights to enjoy the show.

Buy "Guitar Hero" or "Rock Band" for Nintendo Wii. They may have "Freebird" on there. Go down to your parents basement, plug it in, invite the 3 other guys who thinks its funny to yell "Freebird!" and go to town. Play it til it hurts. In between each playing of "Freebird" take turns yelling "Freebird!". Do it as long as you like, or until your mom tells you guys its really time to go home. (side note: Take it easy on your Mom - this is not how she pictured her life, with you living at home in your late 30's still living in her basement. Get your own place soon, mmkay?)

You will be tempted. There will be a pause in between songs at a show, a pause that would seem ideally suited for you to yell "Freebird". The band may even ask for requests at a show, and it may physically hurt you to not yell "Freebird". But every time you don't yell it you get some credibility back. You might not notice it at first, but soon people will look at you in a different light. Its the "I don't yell 'Freebird' anymore" glow. You'll be invited to parties and girls without severe emotional issues will return your phone calls. You'll get the day shift at Hardees. Your life will change for the better.

And so will ours. On behalf of everyone, I thank you for your time.

P.S. Would it be too much to ask to have you not hold up your lighter during the "slow" song?

swampland.com/.../lynyrd_skynyrd_arti.jpg

1 comment:

  1. You know that Freebird guy is best friends with the dude who plays Stairway to Heaven at the guitar shop.

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